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I double dare you, motherfucker. Say 'Batman & Robin' one more time." THE DESCENDANTS. The Abridged Script. FADE IN: EXT. HAWAII. GEORGE CLOONEY (V.O.). My wife was in a boating accident. Now she's in a coma.
My wife was in a boating accident. Now she?s in a coma. I was a terrible husband to her and a neglectful father to our two daughters, who I raised to not be spoiled and entitled, but who are in fact the epitome of spoiled and entitled.
Don?t forget to tell them about how your family owns a huge chunk of virgin Hawaiian land that you are being pressured to sell for half a billion dollars.
You just found out your mother is a living corpse and you?re still going to be an annoying little dickhead to me? And why am I being a total wimp by not slapping the everliving shit out of you for saying "fuck" so many times?
Oh damn. In that case I will now furrow my eyebrows in a stern manner and widen my eyes to convey my sadness at hearing this awful, awful news.
I'm going to be making this same damn facial expression throughout the rest of the movie so you all had damn well better get used to it.
SHAILENE continues to say "fuck" every chance she gets because SWEARING and being an ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT are her only character traits, while GEORGE continues to look STERN and WIDE-EYED.
GEORGE and his DAUGHTERS run down the soles of their SHOES and their FEET BLEED from all of the goddamn WALKING AROUND they do for nearly a FULL HOUR of screen time.
Damn! I wasn?t ready to continue with the plot for at least another four hours! Well I guess it?s too late now, might as well get on with it.
You made sex with my wife, Matthew. This has made me very stern and wide-eyed. My only recourse is to beat the shit out of you. Put'em up!
GEORGE?S WIFE is about to be taken off of LIFE SUPPORT. GEORGE visits her while looking very STERN and WIDE-EYED. His father-in-law ROBERT FORESTER is with him.
This entire AFFAIR is all your fault, George! My daughter was such a FAITHFUL wife and mother and you CHEATED her out of a full life!
You're right, Robert. I will accept your severe tongue lashing and become a true hero by sparing you the devastation of knowing how much of a two-timing slut your daughter was.
And because of this small sacrifice I will stop being an arrogant dipshit to you for two seconds and defend your honor. This means I have somehow grown as a character even though, deep down, I?m still a bratty mega bitch.
GEORGE?s cousin BEAU "I NEVER MET A CHEESEBURGER I DIDN?T LIKE" BRIDGES tries to get GEORGE to sign away the HAWAII LAND that?s worth HALF A BILLION DOLLARS.
This land doesn?t belong to us! We may not speak the language and our entire family may just look like a bunch of bloated Americans in Hawaiian shirts, but goddamnit, we?ve got HAWAIIAN BLOOD! 1/16th at most! This land belongs to THE PEOPLE!
So you?d rather risk some uber rich assholes swooping in and turning the land into their own personal playground in seven years instead of selling it right now to a native Hawaiian? Like we all agreed we would? What exactly is your motivation for changing your mind?
EXT. OCEAN OFF THE COAST OF HAWAII; HAWAII, THE ONLY PLACE TO VACATION, ASK YOUR TRAVEL AGENT ABOUT AVAILABLE FLIGHTS; HAWAII, DON?T YOU WISH YOU OWNED A TIMESHARE HERE?
GEORGE and his DAUGHTERS dump GEORGE?S WIFE?S ashes into the ocean. Then they go HOME and eat ice cream while watching "March of the Penguins". MORGAN FREEMAN?s voice is heard briefly.
What? That?s it? But they just walked around for two hours and nothing else really happened! I can't believe this overrated crap has so many rave reviews.
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Yeah, the big exposition dump voiceovers at the beginning were a problem. The first 15 minutes are just George Clooney's nauseatingly charming voice telling you everything about the plot (1 line of dialogue for every 4 lines of voiceover). And then after that...no voiceover for the rest of the movie. Lazy screenwriting.
Oh, and the endless montages set to horrible Hawaiian songs...the music wasn't actually that bad but the singing was insufferable. For the entire second half of the movie, almost every other scene is a scenic montage set to bad Don-Ho-lite music. After the tenth time, it was driving me nuts. I miss Rolfe Kent and Jim Taylor and the old Alexander Payne who did Election and Sideways and Citizen Ruth.
I hate to say it, but this is one of the worst I've read on this site. Hell, I didn't like the movie that much and I still think this wasn't that funny. It could have pointed out how Shailene Woodley's boyfriend throughout the movie was an insufferable douche who ate up screen time, or how Clooney's presented as the relatable good guy directly after telling his sister-in-law that she was "putting makeup on a corpse."
This made me LOL. Well done! Didn't really feel the need to see a family drama movie on the big screen, even with the gorgeous settings. Sounds like it was meh.
i was confused when i watched this movie because i thought Shailene Woodley was the villan & then no comeuppance at the end? still confused. so confused.